So you know how sometimes our words come back to bite us in the butt? Well, let's just say that I'm having a harder time sitting down these days. Let me explain...
Back in June I went to the eye doctor to get some new contacts. I was coming to the end of my supply of contacts and needed more plus my right eye had been blurry, so I just figured my prescription needed to be changed. I called the eye doctor and she did an eye exam and ordered me a new set of contacts. I picked them up...tried them out...and called to let her know that they were wrong. I couldn't see out of my right eye. My vision was still blurry. This started a series of trial and error appointments.
I asked during one of my follow up appointments if there could be anything physically wrong with my eye. You see eyes are a hazard in my family. We not only have problems with our vision but we also have problems with the physical anatomy of our eyes. I relayed my family history to the doctor but was assured that she didn't see anything wrong with my eye and we would just keep trying different prescriptions.
Fast forward to yesterday. I went in for yet another appointment because I still can't see out of my right eye. Let me be very specific - I can see - it isn't that I've gone blind and only see black - it's just that what I do see is all blurred. Ok, back to the appointment. I asked my husband Nathan to go with me because I was determined that something was going to be figured out at this appointment. Well, we did get something figured out...she finally dilated my eye (and before you ask, nope, that hadn't been done during any of my previous appointments) and discovered that I have a retinal vein occlusion which is basically a blockage of the blood supply to the retina. This is not a good thing.
I have now been referred to a retinal specialist for evaluation and treatment. I have an appointment tomorrow morning with my regular doctor and then an appointment with the specialist Thursday afternoon. As you can imagine, I'm not super thrilled with having to wait. I would rather get in to see the doctors ASAP. This is my vision we're talking about. I wasn't worried about the blurriness when I thought the problem was just a bad prescription but now that I know that there is something physically affecting my vision and that it may not be correctable...I'm a tad bit concerned.
Add to all of this the fact that I have been having circulation problems in my right leg since the end of April and you've got the makings of a real worry fest. I'm wondering if the two things are connected since they both involve the circulatory system on my right side. Of course, I don't know that they are connected at all, but hopefully the doctors will figure something out.
Needless to say, I didn't sleep well last night and I kept thinking of that phrase "This is a test of the emergency broadcast system". I'm not sure that I have been given this test or if this test has just found me but I do know that this is a test of my emergency broadcast system. How I choose to react to this test is the key. Honestly, I have been stressed...I have been tearful...and I am worried. BUT, I know that God is God and I am not. I know that my prayer was and will continue to be for God to change my heart. I want to come out of this a different Denise. I want to be stronger, wiser, softer, and more sensitive to the Lords voice.
Of course, I want my vision restored so that I can see clearly and sharply...that is my heartfelt desire but if it is not, then I want to trust. I want to trust that God is in control and that He knows why this is happening. He will use this to change me and possibly to change the hearts of others. Do I want to go through this? Nope. Am I willing to try my best while I am going through this? Yes. I will do my best to stand firm in my faith and not falter. I can't promise that I won't question or get angry or cry more tears but I will do my best to trust because after all - God is God and I am not!
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